When I was a little girl, my Omi told me I had God in me. And that God is everywhere and that God is Love. Despite a tough childhood due to other influences, Omi remained a light in my life. I’d visit her every summer after a rough 9 months at home, and we’d play. She’d make me ramen while I drew the Simpsons or Archies characters. We’d play Yahtzee all the time and I’d always get cocky about winning, though I tried to hide it with my smug face – and she’d always let me and she’d laugh at me. We’d eat ice cream and watch heat lightening crack onto the Tennessee horizon. But my favorite was when we bought large rimmed straw garden hats and decorated them with ribbons, bells, and flowers.
She believed God was everywhere and that God was Love. It was in us too. Since I was little, I knew I was special and I owned it. Everyone thought I was much older, wiser, smarter than I possibly really was, all the time. Some people loved me and a lot tried to put me in my place, to temper me, to dampen this light, which admittedly, isn’t a gentle light but more like a blaze. But my Omi always just loved me.
Not only did she love me, she loved God. When I visited her, we’d go to church every day. Her friends were fathers, sisters, brothers and anyone who wanted to to be around her beautiful light – which was and still is, a lot of people. She already knew who her mother was. She’d sit with the dying; she’d kneel and pray for the lost – including me many, many times. She’s spent her life doing God’s work. She’s spent it loving people. And for a small visit each year, so did I. I loved her so much.
I was allowed to be little and ignorant and impatient and sometimes say stupid stuff. She’d correct me by not giving it any energy at all. She’d flat out ignore me. I was also allowed to play and I deserved to be shown love. In loving me anyway, she was doing God’s work. She always was doing God’s work.
I love her for that. And I love you for that. Because you are special. You are God. You are light. And you are also dark…. And that’s okay! It’s totally okay – just come relax in the light. You are welcome here too. It’s really not as bad as you think.
You don’t have to have a big coming out party because you’re not actually as calm and collected or “together” as everyone thinks you are… But you can release your “issues”, your “trauma”… we all have stuff and there’s no point in beating yourself up about it. Just be cool. Know what’s going on and don’t get trapped in the dark. Remember your light. And thank God for it. I do, everyday.