Ten Days of Silence
I enter into solitary confinement, a willing-captive.
Vipassana is a ten day silent meditation retreat. During the ten days in-residence, you do not speak nor are you spoken to with the exception of instruction on the meditation technique and a talk each evening. You are not allowed to have any electronics or books. You are not allowed to write, nor are you allowed to exercise. There is not even eye-contact. There is no “doing”, other than eating, sleeping, and practicing meditation techniques for approximately ten hours each day, aimed at clearing the dross from your mind.
I have been on quite a journey lately. While my path has always been semi-spiritual, there was a change in me last April. I clearly felt God’s presence and I clearly heard his voice. He has been with me since and stood patiently by as I’ve struggled to make sense of my life since.
The last few months have been of rapid growth for me as I’ve reflected on my own poor choices. My focus has shifted from outward blaming such as I was abused, my mother’s death was traumatic, or my ex was an asshole to Why have I made the choices that I have? While I still struggle to understand much of what has gone down in my life, I have shifted into a space of taking responsibility. While I can’t control what happens to me, I can certainly control what I do with it. I feel like a grown woman for the first time in my life.
I don’t want to be the person I’ve been. I don’t want to be controlling, impatient, defensive, or so many of the other personality defects that many of us share. I want to be an expression of God’s love and it’s clear as day that shoving my pain into my subconscious by covering it up with ego-placations like drugs and alcohol, busy-ness, or bad relationships have not gotten me to where I want to be. I may already be perfect, whole, and complete – as so many ancient texts claim that we all are – but this pristine state exists well beneath the conditioning and programmed karmic-reactions of my past. The ego is that which stands between us and God consciousness.
I am in the process of undoing.
Our thoughts and intentions are important – they direct energy. When we arise in the morning we think to ourselves, I need to get up. Our thought sends a signal to our muscles and nerves and unconsciously, our body goes to work for us. We rise from our beds and prepare for the day. The same is true for everything that unfolds for us. Our minds are incredibly powerful and establish the direction our lives take. We are creators and our creations are the result of a thought we had at some point. If our lives are a mess, it’s our minds that need to be cleaned up.
I started this blog to share my journey with you and so it is here that I will share my intentions for my time at vipassana:
That God order my thoughts correctly so that I may have clarity and that I may be of service in my writing and in my speech with others.
That I release all expectations for the future unfolding of my life.
That I am open to receive guidance.
That mental blocks between me & God consciousness be removed. Peace out, ego – I don’t want you here anymore.
That I treat myself with gentleness and grace throughout the process.
For more information on vipassana, check out this great explanation: https://medium.com/startup-grind/so-youre-thinking-about-doing-a-10-day-silent-vipassana-meditation-retreat-e9387f00cb1b
For the actual organization that hosts these retreats, the website is here: https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/index
While I am away, past poetry that I’ve written will be posted here. See you on the flip-side!