It’s incredible how much fear lives within me. I think of all the times I’ve been flattered as others have called me “brave”, while marveling at the boldness with which I live my life. They admire my ability to change directions, cities, careers, relationships… all of it. But what they fail to see is that I have been running. All of these changes have been based in fear. Fear of what?
Fear of myself.
Fear of the authentic Stephanie that has been fighting to get out. All these changes I’ve made have kept me from living my potential. If I’m constantly dialing things in, organizing and arranging my life around new circumstances, then I remain distracted from myself.
Yes, it’s been an adventure. Yes, it’s pushed me to grow. Yes, I’ve gained perspective. Yes, it’s been necessary. It has been my path and I do not regret it. But in my newfound stillness and sobriety I see how limiting it’s been. It’s a paradox – increasing and limiting my potential at the same time.
I have been rearranging my external circumstances while looking for the key to happiness. Perhaps it’s in this city, this man, this job… neglecting the one place where it resides – within. I have come to discover that it’s not about my environment. It’s about my belief systems, my values, my morality, my relationship to myself. It’s not about controlling, it’s about allowing. Allowing the goodness inherent within me to emerge.
But old habits die hard. Here I am, my second month in a new city, and I’m already dying to get out! I’ve been addicted to the distraction of new-ness. Now that things are becoming routine, I find myself growing uncomfortable. I find myself making plans to escape, telling myself… I miss Florida. I miss the heat. Why am I here anyway? I can just pack all this stuff up and bounce… Just like I’ve done so many times before. But this time there is a voice that comes in and says firmly, Stay Put.
There is clearly something here for me to learn. I can only guess at what that might be, but I think it’s about self-discovery. I think it’s about release. I think it’s about allowing… allowing myself to shine through the muck that has laid over my spirit for too long. There’s been enough input. It’s now time for output.
There is so much inside of my that wants to come out. So many experiences that I’ve had, especially in the last couple of years, that need to be shared. And I have shared them to some degree, in conversation with friends, but they need artistic expression. And so, in part, I’m here to “creatively ground”.
Creation is difficult in the midst of change. It takes stillness to let experiences and ideas coalesce into creative output. That stillness is scary because I know that eventually I must step out into my own expression. Expression that I fear, as I know the world will judge my creations. I fear my own potential, but I suppose all of those people have been right…
I am brave. I can step forward in fear.
In my last Ayahuasca journey, she told me to Create from Within. And I’ll be honest, it terrifies me. I have been programmed from birth by a judging and unaccepting family environment. It’s hard to re-write my hard drive, but I’m trying. Slowly I’m letting go. Slowly, I’m letting her out.
As I’ve been shifting my career from business to yoga, healing work, and writing, I’m learning to hold the emotions of extreme discomfort and absolute bliss at the same time. Discomfort that stems from financial insecurity, a new city, a new vocational landscape, and a fuzzy path forward – all while feeling the bliss that comes from living my dharma, discovering my purpose, my voice, and my place in the cosmos. I’m moving forward despite fear, shifting into alignment with my true nature. It’s a paradox for sure, but one I’m growing very familiar with.
I’ll be making some announcements next week regarding my path forward and a couple of new projects I’m working on. For now, I’m sitting with my fear as I make my plans. Wish me luck! Xo
I love you.