I’m not exactly sure why I feel compelled to share this today but after a very clear-thinking shower this morning, it seems necessary somehow. When I was younger, I was constantly hit on by creeps. Close friends would joke about my strange magnetism and all the “alphas” I’d pull in. That doesn’t happen anymore and I don’t think it’s because I’m older or less attractive. I believe it’s because my vibration is entirely different. When I was younger, I walked around with a strong, but false confidence. It was my crab shell – my defense. But, underneath it was a lack of self worth and a deep need for male validation along with deeply programmed beliefs about men. You see, as a child I felt abandoned and disappointed by the masculine. Several of the adult women in my life told me that “men only want one thing”. More specifically, my mother would tell me that the (good) men in my life were around only because of my sexual offerings. These were the energies that surrounded me as I moved through the world and so I pulled in my vibrational matches. Prey needs predators. Through the practice of self-study/svadhyaya, I have grown leaps and bounds over the last twenty years. I have come to see this deep conditioning. And through my work with plant medicine, I have come to know my inherent value as a child of God. Thank you Mother Ayahuasca for embedding a deep sense of self-worth at a cellular level that has remained over the last three years. Through my real-world experiences and clear-eyed evaluation of past relationships, I have come to know and respect many men who are modeling the divine masculine. These men do not move through life as predators, but as lovers and protectors of all that is sacred within me. My vibration has changed. Now I attract lovely “hellos”, genuine interest, and true friendship from men. I have grown and so have the people I’m surrounded by. Again, I’m not sure why I needed to share this today, but hopefully this reflection speaks to someone. With so much love for me, and for you… Blessings on your day and your life. XO
P.S. On February 20th, there is a call to share our stories with the hashtag #thankyouplantmedicine
I will be sharing some of my past blog posts on social media and I look forward to hearing some of your stories too.
Dear God, Great Spirit
Thank you for the ease and grace through which baby Lucy was conceived. We are eternally grateful for this gift that you’ve bestowed upon us as a family.
Thank you for a calm and healthy pregnancy, free from distress and filled with love, nurture, and feminine energy.
We pray that Lucy’s life be full of health, joy, peace, love, harmony, creativity, intimacy, beauty, alignment with nature and with her own true spirit.
May her eyes, heart, and mind, continually take in the beauty around her as she blesses this world with your grace.
May she sing freely, create authentically, live with a sense of deep purpose and fulfillment, while knowing all that is good and true in the world.
May she feel secure in our loving care and in herself as we prepare her to walk freely and confidently along her own path.
May she always know that she is perfect and loved, exactly as she is.
May Patrick, Lucy, and I grow together in love and closeness through all of our days.
Blessings on our beautiful daughter, Lucy.
Aho, may it be so.
by a wave of change
The moon ever-tugging
on my heart
Swept up into
the flow of life
The past now-forever
Sunlight has come
through my lips
Life as I have
at my fingertips
When I was 23, I was stationed at Ft. Gordon in Augusta, Georgia where I was training in Air Force Satellite Communications. While there, my life was in upheaval and I decided late one night to drive out to the coast. I spent the night-drive crying in despair over my dramas-of-the-time – surely a brew of romantic loss and confusion, cross-country moves, family issues, and the overall uncertainty of that time in my life. By dawn I was writing inspired poetry to my God at the end of a long dock at Tybee Island as the sunrise appeared in water colors. My tears had carried away my fears and the day filled me with courage and excitement for the new times ahead.
At 37, I landed back in the Southeast after nearly fifteen years of exploration. Driving up the East Coast from Florida, I wandered back to Tybee Island – alone once again. I remembered my first time there and was struck by how not much had changed. I was dealing with new incarnations of the same dramas – romantic loss and confusion, international-moves, family issues, and the overall uncertainty of that time in my life. On this visit however, I was hit with a new awareness: Despite the last fifteen years of unnecessary stress, worry, and fear – I was in pretty much the same place! I was more or less the same gal – just a bit wiser with a better self-care routine. So much energy had been needlessly burnt away…
I write this in an attempt to release the worry, fears, and stress that I find myself mired in lately. I am sometimes consumed by doubts around my abilities or worthiness as a mother along with fear of and resistance to all the changes my body is going through. I hear that’s normal in the third-trimester but I could do without it. I’ve got enough weight in my belly – I don’t need more on my back. So this morning, I’m returning to Tybee in my mind and greeting a whole new day, full of beautiful possibilities. I release these concerns as I honor the lessons I’ve learned. I choose to step gracefully into these new chapters of motherhood and commitment to family that are now unfolding in my life.
There was a call from deep within
to my longing heart.
There was a call to me
from the great unknown.
There was a yearning in my body,
an invitation to my soul.
And I answered with a most
tender and genuine love.